I'm nearly certain that every girl has one of these in her diary from High School. The gorgeous, ("you are so beautiful, it hurts to look at you"), the aloof, seemingly tender and misunderstood, that connection, that wish, the discovery of truth, the pain...the kiss. Pure torture. Pure bliss!
I'm way past this and it still moves me. Maybe cuz I'm really not over it.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Existence of Awareness
I've encountered so many new things to be concerned about that never seemed to enter my daily life until recent years.
#1 - Adultery. Growing up, this seemed like the most raucous, disgusting, unacceptable thing that anyone could do apart from commiting murder. And no - I'm not saying that it has become the opposite...but I'm seeing its occurence stretch beyond celebrities and politicans and into my circle of friends and family. My perspective has changed only in the sense that I appreciate the reality of its existence and although I still see it as horrible and hurtful - I have seen it open a path for people that truly need to discover a new road (divorce) or receive a little shock to the system (to remind them not to take what they have for granted).
I Will Not Take These Things For Granted - Toad the Wet Sprocket
#2 - Death. Easy enough. Not many people died around me as I grew up. My father passed away when I was eight-which completely sucked, but I was very young and adjusted accordingly. Now, my friends are dying. Cancer, car wrecks, unexplainable, out of nowhere heart attacks...It's starting to remind me of how quickly your life can change and how important it is to savour every moment. I look for sparkles (especially prevelant in children) and notice cupcakes. I even retrospectively relish in the painful ones that have sculpted my next moves.
#3 - Divorce. Sometimes adultery has nothing to do with the fact that two people have grown apart. It's not just in the movies for me anymore. My grown-up perspective helps me recognize that people deserve to be happy and if they realize it is not with that person, then so be it. The children will benefit from their parents being happy even though it will suck that they are not in the same house. This of course, is if there is any sensibility to the divorce and the anger and hate is dealth with. I just wasn't ready to see it happening with my friends. It makes me sad but I have to trust in their choices so I can color it happy. My adolescent judging ability has been kicked to the curb.
#4 - Politics. I seldom voted in special elections in the past. I would vote for the President because it was cool. It was like playing a table in vegas and hoping to win. Then feeling good about it if they actually did. Now, I've got actual friends in politics who truly want to make a difference...who believe they can be elected and speak for their constituents. I've become sooo frustrated with my "representatives" and how far off they are from my beliefs. I now vote at every election. I get educated on who I want "out" and who I want "in". Admittedly, there are only a handful of mainstream political topics that I am passionate about - but they are important enough to me to vote. And what's revealing is being up to speed with the local politics and how I realize it affects me and my family. I open up my eyes.
#5 Our Parents Need Us. The progression of this role reversal is slowly becoming apparent. While we are mostly concerning ourselves with nurturing these relationships as friendships and appreciating all of the sacrifices they've made, it's becoming truth that one day they will rely on us entirely to foot the bill. This scares the hell out of me. I am not sure how to process this until it actually happens.
I'm sure the list goes on. But that's where I am today.
#1 - Adultery. Growing up, this seemed like the most raucous, disgusting, unacceptable thing that anyone could do apart from commiting murder. And no - I'm not saying that it has become the opposite...but I'm seeing its occurence stretch beyond celebrities and politicans and into my circle of friends and family. My perspective has changed only in the sense that I appreciate the reality of its existence and although I still see it as horrible and hurtful - I have seen it open a path for people that truly need to discover a new road (divorce) or receive a little shock to the system (to remind them not to take what they have for granted).
I Will Not Take These Things For Granted - Toad the Wet Sprocket
#2 - Death. Easy enough. Not many people died around me as I grew up. My father passed away when I was eight-which completely sucked, but I was very young and adjusted accordingly. Now, my friends are dying. Cancer, car wrecks, unexplainable, out of nowhere heart attacks...It's starting to remind me of how quickly your life can change and how important it is to savour every moment. I look for sparkles (especially prevelant in children) and notice cupcakes. I even retrospectively relish in the painful ones that have sculpted my next moves.
#3 - Divorce. Sometimes adultery has nothing to do with the fact that two people have grown apart. It's not just in the movies for me anymore. My grown-up perspective helps me recognize that people deserve to be happy and if they realize it is not with that person, then so be it. The children will benefit from their parents being happy even though it will suck that they are not in the same house. This of course, is if there is any sensibility to the divorce and the anger and hate is dealth with. I just wasn't ready to see it happening with my friends. It makes me sad but I have to trust in their choices so I can color it happy. My adolescent judging ability has been kicked to the curb.
#4 - Politics. I seldom voted in special elections in the past. I would vote for the President because it was cool. It was like playing a table in vegas and hoping to win. Then feeling good about it if they actually did. Now, I've got actual friends in politics who truly want to make a difference...who believe they can be elected and speak for their constituents. I've become sooo frustrated with my "representatives" and how far off they are from my beliefs. I now vote at every election. I get educated on who I want "out" and who I want "in". Admittedly, there are only a handful of mainstream political topics that I am passionate about - but they are important enough to me to vote. And what's revealing is being up to speed with the local politics and how I realize it affects me and my family. I open up my eyes.
#5 Our Parents Need Us. The progression of this role reversal is slowly becoming apparent. While we are mostly concerning ourselves with nurturing these relationships as friendships and appreciating all of the sacrifices they've made, it's becoming truth that one day they will rely on us entirely to foot the bill. This scares the hell out of me. I am not sure how to process this until it actually happens.
I'm sure the list goes on. But that's where I am today.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
My Child's Discovery of the F Word
So yesterday I get an email from my child's teacher explaining that she had to write a behavior referral for my SWEET, INNOCENT, SMART, FIRST BORN, EXTRA SPECIAL BABY...because he was saying the f word. He is nine.
It turns out, he heard someone else say the word first and then proceeded to say it OUT LOUD over and over, asking what it meant....while, naturally, some other kids were like - "OHHHH you said the f-word!!" And "that's a cuss word!"
My kid had NO idea. Which makes me somewhat proud - I haven't said it in front of him and he doesn't watch shows that aren't age appropriate and he doesn't listen to music that isn't PG-rated. But it also broke my heart. My smart, innocent little man was being made fun of because he genuinely had no idea (but could tell the word definitely caused a reaction!). And apparently he got really upset and cried at school which just must be so humiliating and the anxiety he must have been feeling when he was sent to the principal's office - I mean, I was in Target at the time and I was rushing through the aisles, determined to get to the school and rescue him in my arms!!
I didn't understand why he would get in trouble for it - but from what I can gather the entire class pretty much heard it. Which is great, so the 9 kids who didn't know the word now do and probably told their parents that my kid said it.
Branded. The kid who laid the f-bomb.
After school, I sat him down and had him tell me all that had happened. You should have heard him tell me the story. I had to stop him at one point because he said it again (in his attempts to be completely honest) - I'm like - please, don't say it- say "f-word" or just nod or something. It is horrifying to hear that word come out of his mouth!
He was very teary eyed and explained that the principal told him that in the future if he hears a word he doesn't know that he is not to repeat it like that. I told him he could keep it to himself and ask me privately if a word was a "bad word" or not. Obviously I don't plan on defining it for him or anything. And I can't give him the list - cuz he may use it!!
This just opened the door for all these things I see coming down the pipe: there is no santa claus, tooth fairy, easter bunny - why are my sheets wet?- where do babies come from, really? OOOH can't wait!!!
It turns out, he heard someone else say the word first and then proceeded to say it OUT LOUD over and over, asking what it meant....while, naturally, some other kids were like - "OHHHH you said the f-word!!" And "that's a cuss word!"
My kid had NO idea. Which makes me somewhat proud - I haven't said it in front of him and he doesn't watch shows that aren't age appropriate and he doesn't listen to music that isn't PG-rated. But it also broke my heart. My smart, innocent little man was being made fun of because he genuinely had no idea (but could tell the word definitely caused a reaction!). And apparently he got really upset and cried at school which just must be so humiliating and the anxiety he must have been feeling when he was sent to the principal's office - I mean, I was in Target at the time and I was rushing through the aisles, determined to get to the school and rescue him in my arms!!
I didn't understand why he would get in trouble for it - but from what I can gather the entire class pretty much heard it. Which is great, so the 9 kids who didn't know the word now do and probably told their parents that my kid said it.
Branded. The kid who laid the f-bomb.After school, I sat him down and had him tell me all that had happened. You should have heard him tell me the story. I had to stop him at one point because he said it again (in his attempts to be completely honest) - I'm like - please, don't say it- say "f-word" or just nod or something. It is horrifying to hear that word come out of his mouth!
He was very teary eyed and explained that the principal told him that in the future if he hears a word he doesn't know that he is not to repeat it like that. I told him he could keep it to himself and ask me privately if a word was a "bad word" or not. Obviously I don't plan on defining it for him or anything. And I can't give him the list - cuz he may use it!!
This just opened the door for all these things I see coming down the pipe: there is no santa claus, tooth fairy, easter bunny - why are my sheets wet?- where do babies come from, really? OOOH can't wait!!!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
All My Fruitless Urges
Angry enough to make a difference. Bitter Sweet Symphony.
Fell asleep fantasizing that I had written a book called How to Sparkle - and went up to BG to read to aspiring writers in the Creative Writing Program. Said the word "craft" a lot. Explained my defeat as a student of University. Workshop hell, colorful insecurities.
All my fruitless urges ♫
More frustrated than ever and constantly switching gears to avoid my internal plight. Keeping busy. Focusing on things that move me forward cuz back tracking is so completely painful. Why did he give me his phone number if he was going to ignore me? Over and over again, I can do whatever I want - he said. I cannot draw any rational conclusions and I get so angry with myself that I keep trying. Either she found out and threatened him. Or he became overwhelmed with guilt. Or arrogance. Likely the latter. A smirk and a shrug every time the text arrives. Power.
"You're Bored! Your'e bored - you wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing...."
What did he remember? The train tracks...
I was so proud of myself. Making the connection. Affirming it was all real. Forty minutes of giggles and simple excuses and feigned satisfaction just to keep it going. Gray hair but still the same.
There's a jukebox when I see him. Bits and pieces of future flooded with pride at how far I've come. I'm so not standing in the corn. Irony.
I understand that I have the power. I understand that this is all self created drama. I'm choosing to even think of it. Should move on. Should plot the outline to the safe book. The one that doesn't reveal much. Maybe focuses on adoption - not really relationships. Not the fact that I fell so hard in love and swam through bodies trying to forget-only to give up screaming. I can't have that future. I can't write that book. Like sitting in a workshop being shredded to bits (yes, we take it personally!).
Warm asylum. If i get it back, if I remember what I'm supposed to be doing...what makes me sparkle - it surges this humility I cannot welcome for more than a morning. Cuz - I got kids. "Peter Pan gots kids???"
Sometimes I like the ball in my court - and really - I should always make sure it is. Otherwise I'm subject to others...and I shouldn't be.
Fell asleep fantasizing that I had written a book called How to Sparkle - and went up to BG to read to aspiring writers in the Creative Writing Program. Said the word "craft" a lot. Explained my defeat as a student of University. Workshop hell, colorful insecurities.
All my fruitless urges ♫
More frustrated than ever and constantly switching gears to avoid my internal plight. Keeping busy. Focusing on things that move me forward cuz back tracking is so completely painful. Why did he give me his phone number if he was going to ignore me? Over and over again, I can do whatever I want - he said. I cannot draw any rational conclusions and I get so angry with myself that I keep trying. Either she found out and threatened him. Or he became overwhelmed with guilt. Or arrogance. Likely the latter. A smirk and a shrug every time the text arrives. Power.
"You're Bored! Your'e bored - you wouldn't be here if there wasn't something missing...."
What did he remember? The train tracks...
I was so proud of myself. Making the connection. Affirming it was all real. Forty minutes of giggles and simple excuses and feigned satisfaction just to keep it going. Gray hair but still the same.
There's a jukebox when I see him. Bits and pieces of future flooded with pride at how far I've come. I'm so not standing in the corn. Irony.
I understand that I have the power. I understand that this is all self created drama. I'm choosing to even think of it. Should move on. Should plot the outline to the safe book. The one that doesn't reveal much. Maybe focuses on adoption - not really relationships. Not the fact that I fell so hard in love and swam through bodies trying to forget-only to give up screaming. I can't have that future. I can't write that book. Like sitting in a workshop being shredded to bits (yes, we take it personally!).
Warm asylum. If i get it back, if I remember what I'm supposed to be doing...what makes me sparkle - it surges this humility I cannot welcome for more than a morning. Cuz - I got kids. "Peter Pan gots kids???"
Sometimes I like the ball in my court - and really - I should always make sure it is. Otherwise I'm subject to others...and I shouldn't be.
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